A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend this is
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes
But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes
A fine romance, you won't nestle
A fine romance, you won't wrestle
I might as well play bridge
With my old maid aunt
I haven't got a chance
This is a fine romance

A fine romance, with no kisses
A fine romance, my friend this is
We two should be like clams in a dish of chowder
But we just fizz like parts of a Seidlitz powder (*)
Yes, a fine romance, with no glitches
A fine romance, with no bitches
You're just as hard to land as the 'Isle de France'
I haven't got a chance
This is a fine romance

A fine romance, my good fellow
You take romance, and I'll take jello
You're calmer than the seals
In the Arctic Ocean
At least they flap their fins
To express emotion
A fine romance with no quarrels
With no insults and all morals
I've never mussed the crease
In your blue serge pants
I never get the chance
This is a fine romance

Yes, a fine romance, my dear, duchess
Two old fogeys, who need crutches
True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has
But we don't have the thrills that the march of time has, ba-ba-da-day
A fine romance, my good woman
My strong, age in the wood, woman
You never give the orchids I sent a glance
No, you like cactus plants, ha ha
This is a fine romance

A fine romance, my dear duchess
Two old fogeys, who need crutches

True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has
You know Louis, we don't have half the thrills that the march of time has,

You telling me; fine romance, my very good